Enneagram Edition: How to Develop Emotional Intimacy in Marriage
Why does emotional intimacy feel natural for some people — and absolutely terrifying for others?
In this Enneagram Edition of Imperfectly Married, Michael and Heather slow the conversation down and explore the deeper realities underneath emotional closeness: fear, safety, needs, stories, and spiritual formation. This episode builds on the previous conversation about developing emotional intimacy and goes beneath surface-level skills to uncover why vulnerability feels so different depending on your personality wiring.
This isn’t about labeling your marriage or putting yourself or your spouse in a box.
It’s about awareness — because awareness leads to compassion, and compassion creates space for growth
Why Emotional Intimacy Feels Unsafe for So Many Couples
Emotional intimacy isn’t just a relational skill — it’s a risk.
As Michael and Heather explain, emotional intimacy is shaped by:
Fear
Safety
Attachment
Personal stories
Spiritual formation
For some, opening up feels connecting.
For others, it feels like exposure, loss of control, or emotional danger.
The Enneagram helps us understand how each type protects itself emotionally — not because something is wrong, but because every type is trying to stay safe.
Emotional Intimacy Requires Safety, Not Pressure
Throughout the episode, one truth is repeated again and again:
Emotional intimacy grows when people feel seen, safe, and secure.
Drawing from the work of the Gottman Institute, Michael and Heather highlight the importance of:
Love maps (knowing your partner’s inner world)
Turning toward instead of away
Trust and commitment as the foundation of connection
But emotional intimacy isn’t manufactured through effort alone. As Heather reminds us, Scripture tells us that we love because Christ first loved us. Emotional intimacy begins with learning to receive love, not just give it.
Type One – The Reformer
Type Ones deeply desire right relationships. They often believe intimacy is built through responsibility, improvement, and doing things well.
In marriage, love may show up as consistency, structure, and correction — which can feel stabilizing at first, but over time may unintentionally communicate disappointment instead of desire.
Emotionally, vulnerability can feel messy or inefficient. Spiritually, Ones may forget that there is no condemnation in Christ.
Growth invitation:
Emotional intimacy grows when imperfection is allowed to be seen. Practice naming appreciation before correction.
Type Two – The Helper
Twos pursue closeness by attuning to others. They feel safest when needed and deeply connected when appreciated.
While they’re excellent at knowing their spouse, they often struggle to let themselves be known. Needs go unspoken, resentment builds quietly, and giving replaces receiving.
Spiritually, Twos need to hear this clearly: you are loved — not just useful.
Growth invitation:
Emotional intimacy requires receiving, not just giving. Practice asking directly for what you need.
Type Three – The Achiever
Threes bond through shared goals, success, and building a life together. Feelings can take a backseat to productivity and performance.
In marriage, love is often expressed through effort and provision, but vulnerability can feel risky — even tied to failure.
Faith reframes everything here: your worth was settled at the cross, not the scoreboard.
Growth invitation:
Emotional intimacy grows when you are loved without performance. Practice naming feelings, not outcomes
Type Four – The Individualist
Fours crave emotional depth and authenticity. They often know their inner world well and desire to be deeply understood.
But comparison, feeling misunderstood, and emotional intensity can strain connection. When depth isn’t met, withdrawal often follows.
Spiritually, this truth matters deeply: God sees you fully — and stays.
Growth invitation:
Emotional intimacy doesn’t require intensity all the time. Stability and depth can coexist.
Type Five – The Investigator
Fives approach intimacy slowly and cautiously. Emotional closeness can feel draining, especially when they fear depletion.
Connection often happens through shared ideas, but too much space creates distance.
The spiritual reassurance beneath it all: you don’t have to conserve love — God’s supply is endless.
Growth invitation:
Let others access your inner world. Practice small emotional disclosures instead of withdrawing.
Type Six – The Loyalist
Sixes bond through safety, loyalty, and consistency. Connection matters deeply, but anxiety can shake trust.
In marriage, this may look like pulling close for reassurance and then pushing away when fear takes over.
Faith speaks clearly here: the Lord is your refuge — you are not alone.
Growth invitation:
Name fears instead of acting them out. Clarity and reassurance build intimacy.
Type Seven – The Enthusiast
Sevens connect through joy, shared experiences, and optimism. Their energy is real and life-giving.
But staying present in pain or conflict can feel overwhelming. Avoidance of discomfort limits depth.
Spiritually, this matters: God meets us in sorrow, not just celebration.
Growth invitation:
Stay instead of escaping. Joy grows roots when pain is honored.
Type Eight – The Challenger
Eights connect through honesty, strength, and loyalty. They protect those they love fiercely.
But fear of betrayal or control keeps vulnerability hidden. Intensity can overwhelm a spouse.
The faith truth underneath it all: God is both strong and gentle — and so can you be.
Growth invitation:
Strength that includes softness builds trust. Vulnerability does not weaken intimacy — it deepens it.
Type Nine – The Peacemaker
Nines seek closeness through harmony and shared presence. They are easy to be with, but often hard to fully know.
Avoiding conflict and suppressing needs creates emotional numbing over time.
Spiritually, this matters deeply: your presence matters — fully.
Growth invitation:
Emotional intimacy requires your voice. Conflict can actually deepen connection.
What Every Enneagram Type Needs to Remember
Every type longs for intimacy.
Every type protects itself differently.
The goal is never to become another type.
The goal is awareness — because growth is a practice, not a personality fix.
Emotional intimacy mirrors God’s invitation: to be fully known and fully loved.